If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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