she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
