Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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