Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
