I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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