who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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