I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize