I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
