I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
