I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
