I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
