how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
