my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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