it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
