Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
