Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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