STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
