Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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