we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
