Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Mom said you looked used
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
