8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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