the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
