I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
handjob tips. give me some.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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