Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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