This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize