Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I would ride that face into the sunset
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
