He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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