You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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