i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
