Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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