you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
