Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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