Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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