I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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