I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
