I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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