Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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