i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
