shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
