I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
