I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
