but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize