It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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