I molested 6 butterflies tonight
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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