Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
