OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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