So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
