Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
