I could make wine with my vomit
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
