using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
