I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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