I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
