I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
