why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
