we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
