Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
