Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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