so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
