can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
